We can’t say enough about how vital a role supportive family members and friends play in the healing of a rape survivor. Your compassion and acceptance make an essential contribution to the well being of someone who has suffered the trauma of sexual assault.

But how DO you support someone who comes to you and tells you that they’ve been assaulted? Below you will find a quick list of “Do’s and Don’ts” to keep in mind while supporting a survivor:

DO…

…remain calm. She may be in a state of shock, or could be easily overwhelmed by shows of emotion. Calm people will be easier for her to be around.

…encourage her to get medical care. Caring for her health is very important.

…believe her when she tells you what happened.

…encourage her to report the crime to police.

…ask her what she wants/doesn’t want in terms of reassurance (hugs, her hand held, company at the hospital or with the police, etc). Many times survivors have a heightened startle reflex and will recoil from unwanted or unexpected touch. Ask before approaching a survivor to ensure she is aware and welcomes the touch.

…encourage her to seek counseling.

…be very patient. This is a time of extreme confusion and trauma. She may not process information as quickly as she usually does, or may become easily agitated.

…remind her that you will stick by her.

…take your cues from her. Her behavior and body language may tell you much more than she is able to verbalize.

…listen when she wants to talk.

…encourage her to talk . If not to you, then to another trusted friend or a counselor.

…respect her wishes. If she wants to be alone, then give her space while letting her know that you are still there for her if she needs you.

…educate yourself on the process of rape recovery. Check out our Links page and our Books page for resources that can assist you in supporting a survivor.

…offer to help her. Offer to watch her children, run an errand, cook a meal, etc. See what may be helpful to her and ask.

…follow through on what you say you will do. Continuity and trust are very important.

…remember that you can’t “fix it”. You’ll want to. She’ll want you to. You won’t be able to. She will be the one responsible for her own healing; she needs you there to walk through the fire with her.

…seek counseling for yourself. Supporting a rape victim can take an emotional toll. It is a crime that affects not only its victims, but family and friends as well. If you find yourself having difficulty, seek assistance from a counselor.

DON’T EVER…

…minimize what happened to her.

…act skeptical of what she says occurred.

…ask why she “didn’t tell you sooner”. If some time has passed since her assault, she may just now be finding the courage to speak about it. She’s telling you now, and that’s what’s important.

…question why she acted in a particular manner. Survivors do the best they can under incredibly stressful circumstances.

…blame her for any decision she made.

…push her into a decision regarding counseling, reporting the crime, or seeking medical attention. Encourage her, but do not force her to do anything.

…lose your temper in front of her. Even if your anger is directed at the rapist, avoid venting your rage around her.

…take her reactions personally . Because she trusts you, she may find it safe to lash out in anger or frustration, or to pull back and withdraw. These responses are understandable after the trauma she’s endured and they are NOT truly focused at you. In what may seem a reverse of logic, you should be flattered that she trusts you enough to vent her feelings.

…talk about her to other people without her permission. There has been enough done without permission; she needs trustworthy allies in her healing process.

…tell her that she should “get over it” or that she should “be over it by now”. There is no timeline for healing. She will have good days and horrible days in her recovery, even years later. This is normal.

…be afraid to bring up the subject of the assault. Rape is a crime that is shrouded in silence and shame, and many times well-meaning friends believe that if they don’t bring up the rape, they won’t upset the survivor. Believe us, survivors would prefer to say “I don’t feel like talking about that right now, but thank you.” versus struggling to find a way to bring it up themselves.

We recognize that this may seem like a lot to keep in mind…it is! The bottom line is this: even if you don’t remember everything on these lists or you stumble, your sincere willingness to stand by the survivor will speak volumes and will go very far in beginning her healing process. For a woman who’s had her entire world shattered in a matter of minutes or hours, your support is one of the greatest gifts she can receive. To all of the wonderful people who help a survivor walk out of the dark shadow cast by sexual assault…THANK YOU.